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Whats wrong with me? HELP - Mental Illness.

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Whats wrong with me? HELP - Mental Illness.

Postby Spiderman- » Tue Aug 07, 2007 8:51 pm

Alright, I need some intelligent people to help me understand what's wrong with me.

I'm 22 years old and have been suffering from "mental illness" probably most of my life. It was in 2003 that I experienced full blown psychosis due to Cannabis (marijuana) use. I think, that me using Cannabis was just me self medicating, and the psychosis I experienced, I would have experienced later in life, regardless of the use of marijuana or not.

Anyways, the psychosis was an intense experience. It felt like, two entities invaded my body/mind/spirit. The two entities looked like they were fighting to control my mind and actions.

Numerous times, I would use my computer (notepad) and I could see the entities typing through me. While one would type a message, the other would erase it. I had absolutly no conscious control over my body.

I came to realize that one of the entities tried to trick me into commiting suicide. It typed out a message:

"Consider killing yourself, you may be harvesting an alien in your stomach, and the only way to live, is to die. Who do you want to believe, yourself or your government?"

At the time, I really believed it. I really did think there was an alien inside of me. It was weird. It felt so real, that I actually went to grab a pair of scissors and was really about to kill myself.

Most of the few days of craziness revolved around visions, I was receiving visions, past memories were brought up, it felt like I had knowledge of everything that has ever happened in the universe and all that will happen. It also felt like there was no past, present or future.

I also felt like I was god. I also believed I was god.

Things took a turn for the worse, and I was invariably locked up in the Psychiatric ward and drugged up. My family and friends were freaked out.

Ever since 2003, I have never been the same.

It feels like, whatever invaded me, or was released, is still inside of me, running in the background of my mind like a computer virus.

Since 2003, I have been admitted to the Psychiatric ward mostly on my own accord when I feel like I am losing my mind.

The psychiatric ward does not help me. The medications work alright, but there are crazy people inside, that always feed into my delusions, even if I haven't spoken to them.

My doctors basically tell me, I suffer from Schizophrenia, then they tell me i'm Bipolar, then they say i'm Schizo-Affective, then they say my problems are related to my upbringing, then they say delusions of grandeur etc. I honestly don't buy this at all.

It feels like there is a parasite like entity attached to me. It seems to be feeding off my adrenaline or dopamine. I know my problem is somehow related to Dopamine, because when I am on anti-psychotics, like Haldol or Seroquel, I am a completely different person.

But unfortunatly, when I am on Haldol or Seroquel, I will basically go out seeking things that will boost my dopamine levels. I will "fall in love" too easily. I will have a chip on my shoulder and start a fight with someone for some superficial reason. I might even seek out drugs or sex like a dope fiend. Antipsychotics don't let me have sex either, they inhibit something when it comes to sex, like semen production or something.

When i'm off medication, I am basically paralyzed, listless, bored, lethargic. I feel like a heroin addict. The days, hours, minutes just breeze by. I'll eat more than I need to. I'll find ways to stimulate myself that don't take much effort, driving fast, drinking, strip clubs etc.

Neither of these personalities are me. I am not the person I am when I am on Meds. I am also not the person I am when I am off-meds.

It feels like I am stuck in a catch 22. I have no idea what to do.

I have spent years seeking answers to my problems, and this story is the only thing that makes sense to me... It is a quote from the spiderman comic series. Yeah, I know it's a comic book, but it totally relates to me...

Symbiotes feed on their host's adrenaline, usually released into the bloodstream during the fight-or-flight response. They have also been shown to depend on their hosts for a steady supply of phenethylamine, a chemical found as a nuerotransmitter in the human brain. While this has been known to lead some symbiotes to consume the brains of others, the chemical can also be ready found in processed chocolate. While the symbiotes are connected to a host, they raise their host's dopamine levels. They can apparently be killed, or at least forced into some sort of death-like state, by an overdose of dopamine-inhibitor. Symbiotes aren't able to bond with hosts who have high levels of vitamin C in their blood streams. There are several levels of biological symbiosis, or "bonding" that can be achieved between a symbiote and its host, each with different biological consequences.

The Overreach committee holds Venom, suffering from amnesia after their last knockdown drag-out with Spider-Man, they dope up Venom then toss the symbiotic duo into a sound-enhanced, super re-enforced cell. As secret agent Smith goes for some more anti-Venom drugs (dopamine inhibitors)

Yeah, I know, it's a comic book. But it's exactly what life feels like to me. There is something that is raising my dopamine levels. Plus, when I am taking medication, I really do eat chocolate and do drugs that contain phenylethylamine.

I am never conscious of what I am doing on meds. If I am on meds, I don't even consciously understand why I feel like trying a street drug that contains phenylethylamine. I just do it. Without even thinking of the long term or short term reprecussions. I feel like a pregnant woman who wants to eat dirt or brocolli because of the certain minerals or what not inside of it.

What do you guys think my problem is? Am I just genetically predisposed to mental illness? Is it my environment thats causing my craziness? Is it a parasite that science hasn't studied that is just using my body and mind for it's personal goals?

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Postby kotoreru » Wed Aug 08, 2007 3:39 am

I feel it's necessary to tell you that anything said on this forum should not be taken as medical advice - just personal opinion.

My opinion is that no, you do not have some unstudied parasite inside you. From what I can tell, you're predisposed to these problems and have exacerbated them by long term drug use and, if I can be honest, no self control.

Sounds a bit like you're being put through the mill in terms of healthcare. You clearly need one to one treatment.
"What are humans if they don't learn at University? Animals, yes."

^^One of my ex-girlfriends said that. I stress the ex part.
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Postby Jammerz » Thu Aug 09, 2007 8:10 pm

I agree with kotoreru in that you need one on one treatment. Make an appointment with a single psychiatrist and continue meeting with him/her.
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Postby Darby » Thu Aug 09, 2007 9:35 pm

There was an article - I think it was in Discover magazine sometime in the last year (I can't find an equivalent online) - that discussed research involving magnetic headgear that can affect how parts of the brain communicate. They found that they could make people feel like there were "others" in there (or sometimes in the room with them), suggesting that our various internal voices could possibly be fragmented into such others by physiological problems.

That may not be what's going on, but it could offer a bit of insight.
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Postby kotoreru » Thu Aug 09, 2007 11:19 pm

I seem to recall a similar study in which electrical stimulants could, quite literally, 'steer' a walking Human Being through a maze.
"What are humans if they don't learn at University? Animals, yes."

^^One of my ex-girlfriends said that. I stress the ex part.
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Postby opuntia » Fri Aug 10, 2007 6:03 pm

Hello Spiderman-,

i'm not a psychiatrist or any such person, but as your doctor says, you might be suffering from schizophrenia, if you are having schizophrenia, the psychiatrists first goal would be to get you out of your psychosis, and you'll be prescribed some anti psychotics, these drugs have peculiar side effects, effects that might make you feel as if your illness is getting worse and worse.

And no, your might not be "genetically predisposed" to mental illness. Mental illnesses like schizophrenia are curable, though it may reoccur later. ]

And as for that parasite, no, there is no such thing as a mysterious, unexplainable thing that's controlling your body. It's just your body and your own self, only with an illness, where you have the delusion that you are being controlled by something else.

Hope my little essay was of some help to your questions. Take care and take your meds on time
"The roots of education is bitter, but the fruit is sweet" Aristotle
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Postby mehdi71000 » Tue Aug 14, 2007 2:46 pm

Go to your doctor. But from what i gather you have schizophrenia if I spelt it correctly. The medication is simple doctor will prescribe you olanzapine. But the most important thing is to listen to your doctor and take the medicine on time + remember none of the voices are real they even as real as they might be to you and some time it might feel very real but they are only figment of your imagination. It’s your brain cells making episodes in your brain and the medication will control them not fully but they help a lot
The soonest you go to doctor is better. And marijuana sucks man. It’s the most overrated Pease of *&^% in the galaxy. Try fruit juice and water beats it any day
good luck
try to keep busy and find new intrsts like swimming maybe or even diving. yea diving is good. or maybe fishing. have fun.
if its really boging you write a book about it is would be very intresting. and im sure you make lots of money
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